A Day at the Cliffs
by combustible lemons
Summary: A collection of moments from the Black family.
1. The Cliff Dive

_Just an idea that popped into my head while I was trying to get some sleep. Most of the time insomnia is a pain, but I'm glad that I couldn't get to sleep that night. Enjoy._

_I don't own Twilight._

A breeze drifted over the cliffs where my family stood. With the breeze came the salty taste of the ocean below us. I looked over the cliff and grinned widely. This was a good day for cliff-diving.

I looked over at my young son Patrick. He looked positively terrified. Bella put her hands on his shoulders and kneeled down slightly to his eye-level.

"Are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to prove anything to Daniel." she said to him, glancing over her shoulder at Daniel Uley, Sam's son. Daniel was two years older than Patrick, and often acted as a big brother to him. And, like a big brother would, he dared Patrick to do something that scared him to death.  
Patrick gulped and nodded slowly. "I have to do this, mom. I don't wanna let Danny think I'm a wimp like Carter."  
"Patrick!" Bella scolded lightly. "Carter is a year younger than you. It's not nice to say things like that about him when he isn't as big as you or Daniel." Patrick mumbled a quick apology before scuffling over to me. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it as tightly as a six-year-old boy could manage.

"You'll protect me, right Daddy?" he asked me, looking up at me with his chocolate brown eyes.

"I'll make sure nothing goes wrong, I promise." I swore.

"Pinky promise?" he questioned, holding up his tiny pinky finger. I reached out mine and pinky swore. He released my hand and took off his over-sized t-shirts. He handed it to Bella and walked over to Daniel. Bella pulled me aside and looked me straight in the eyes.

"Jake, don't you dare let him go when you jump." she ordered. I chuckled and kissed her lips lightly.  
"Bells, I won't let anything happen to Patrick. He's safe in my hands." I assured her. She kissed me again and called over to Patrick. He ran over and took my hand again. Bella stepped back and joined the rest of the family. I looked over the cliff once more and examined the waters.  
"Are you ready, Pat?" I asked my son. He nodded and lifted his arms. I pulled him into mine and waited for him to wrap himself tightly around me. I took a deep breath before getting a running start. We flew over the cliff, and my arms tightened around Patrick instinctively.  
"Woohoo!" I shouted gleefully. I loved the feeling of the wind rushing around me. Patrick opened his eyes and let out a scream of excitement. We hit the water with a resounding _slap_.

I pushed myself up to the surface and laughed when Patrick let out a sigh of relief. He still had a choke-hold on my neck, but I didn't mind. I raised my hand and waved up to the party that was leaning over the highest cliff. I spotted Bella and shouted up to her. She called back to me and smiled.

"So Patrick, was that as bad as you thought it'd be?" I inquired, kissing his forehead.

"No way! I bet Daniel is so jealous that I was brave enough to do it and he wasn't!" Patrick exclaimed.

"I guess you have something to rub in his face now, huh?"

* * *

_What'd'ya think? Did you enjoy? Hmm? Should I start making a collection of one-shots about the Black family?  
Review. _

_-Tay  
_


	2. The Monster in the Closet

_I've decided to continue this. It's been a while since I have, though. I hope you enjoy!  
_  
I was having such a wonderful dream... Such a wonderful dream.

But that was until I felt something attack me in my sleep.

I shot up in bed, odd, groggy slurs coming out of mouth. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands and looked down at a particularly strange bundle on my lap. It was quivering.

I poked at the bundle and grinned.  
"Patrick," I said softly, undoing the taut blanket. "Why are you awake?"  
I looked over at Bella, who appeared to be dead to the world. Still, I couldn't risk it. Bella's wrath when woken up from deep slumber would rival that of a werewolf.

"I had a bad dream." my son conceded, his head poking out from the blankets.

Sighing, I picked him up and carried him to his room. I set him down on his bed and kneeled to his eye-level.

"What was your dream about?"  
He gulped visibly and pointed to his closet door.

"I had a dream that monsters were comin' out of it, and then I opened my eyes and the door was opened!" he whisper-shouted.

I tip-toed over to the closet door and inspected it carefully for show. I opened the cracked door with my foot and peered inside.

"No monsters in here," I called over my shoulder. Patrick, disbelieving, stumbled over to the closet and looked inside.

"Oh."  
I grinned and sat Patrick down in his bed.

"No monsters."  
Patrick nodded, hugged me tightly, and then snuggled down into his bed. I rubbed the back of my neck as I walked back to the bedroom, finding Bella in the hallway, smiling. I moved past her and collapsed into the bed, exhausted.

Bella laid down beside me and touched my shoulder.

"That was really sweet, Jacob."  
I grunted a reply and turned over.

"No need to be so negative." she pouted. I chuckled and closed my eyes, a smile on my lips till I fell into sweet oblivion.


	3. The Leaves

"Patrick sure is getting tall," Sam mused, taking a swig of his beer.

I nodded. "Yeah. Your kid is a midget compared to him."  
Sam growled. "That's a load of bull. Daniel is perfectly average."  
"Yeah," I taunted, "_average. _My boy's tall and strong."  
"Jacob..."  
"Yes, sir?"  
"Stop..."  
"Sir, yes sir!"  
"Shut up."  
"Of course, madam!"  
"I'm warning you, Jake..."  
"I'm so scared! Sam's gonna get his midget kid to beat me up!"  
"Jacob---"  
"Oh, I'm terri---. OUCH!"  
I rubbed the side of my face, wincing. "That was completely unnecessary."  
"Jacob, just shut up."  
"I can't help myself, Sammy-poo." I whined.

"Call me that again and I'll kick you into next week." Sam threatened.

"I'll---"  
"OUCH!" came a loud yelp. Sam and I dashed out of the garage and turned the corner, only to find our sons wrestling in the leaves.

With a swell of fatherly pride, I watched as my son hold down Daniel and grinned victoriously.

"Go, Pat!" I cheered.

"Jacob, get Patrick off Daniel! He's squashing him!" Sam shouted. I laughed and pulled my little tank off Danny.

"Good going, Pat," I whispered to my son, directing him to the front door of the house.

Sam ushered Danny off and then glared at me.

"You need to learn better parenting skills, Jake," he told me seriously. I chuckled.

"Oh, shove it."  
"Make me, big man."  
"Oh, I'll make you!"  
I tackled Sam into the leaves and punched him wildly, grinning the whole time. I landed loads of square punches before I heard Patrick say from the porch:  
"What a couple of kids."  
"I concur." I heard Bella reply.


	4. The Puppy

"You're not serious."  
Bella nodded. "Totally serious."  
"I don't believe you." I told her.

She shrugged. "Fine, don't."  
I frowned. "Where is it?"  
"_He _is out back."  
"Okay, _he. _What's he doing?"  
"Probably sitting with your son."  
"That's not my son! My son wouldn't do this to me..."  
"You're over-dramatic, Jacob. It's not that big of a deal."  
"Are you insane?!" I gasped, "Of course it's a big deal! This is blasphemy, Bella. _Blasphemy."_

"Sure, if you say so. But really, it's not that bad."  
"I beg to differ!"

Bella just shook her head and turned to walk inside. I followed her, breathing down her neck.

"This is so your fault."  
"Okay, it's my fault."  
…

"You're supposed to deny that!" I shouted.

"Why? It's true." Bella said in a matter-of-fact way.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," I shook my head to emphasize my point. She shrugged again. "You're just a big baby, you know that?"  
"Lies."  
Bella chuckled at me and walked to the backdoor.

"They're so cute together."  
"Nuh-uh." I argued, sounding like a two year old.

"They are. You're just too jealous to see it."  
"Of course I'm jealous! My only son is replacing me!"  
"Once again, over-dramatic." Bella sighed. I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation.

"I'm not being over-dramatic! Wouldn't you feel this way if you were in the same position?!"  
"No." my wife answered, smirking.

"Liar." I repeated.

"Just go meet him, Jacob."  
"I don't wanna..."

"Do it!"  
I raised my hands up in surrender and trudged out back, grumbling the whole way.

"Daddy!" Patrick shouted, smiling toothily at me from the grass where he sat.  
"Hey buddy," I said weakly, eying the monstrosity he held.

"Look!"  
"I see him..."  
"He's so smart, daddy! He knows all these cool tricks 'n stuff!"  
"Uh-huh."  
"Wanna hold 'em?" he asked eagerly.  
"I---I don't think so, bud," I tried.

"Please!" Pat pleaded, his chocolate brown eyes boring into mine.

"Fine, fine," I gave in.

Patrick scrambled to his feet and held up the wiggling creature to me. I held him as far away as I could till I finally pulled him in, not wanting to disappoint Patrick.

"Hey, Jake!" Quil emerged from the forest, waving sporadically.  
"Jake... is that a dog?" Quil demanded, staring at the little pup I held in my hands.

Quil... Don't you dare...

He burst out laughing, his eyes beginning to water.

"Bella bought him a dog? Haha! You've been replaced!"  
I put the dog in Pat's hands before tackling Quil, who couldn't stop laughing.

While I punched him, a pink, slobbery tongue greeted itself with my face.

"Patrick, get that dog out of here..."  
Pat made a move to get the dog, but he wiggled away from Pat and began to bite and nip at Quil, growling in a puppy-ish way.

"Wait! Nevermind!" I said, grinning as the little pup attacked my best friend. After the beating was completed, the little guy jumped onto my chest and laid down, closing his eyes and yawning cutely.

"I think I'm gonna like this little mutt."

_I couldn't resist adding in something where Jacob meets his maker. :D_

_Review._

_-Tay_


	5. The Date

"Okay, that's it! You two haven't had a proper date in _five years._" Emily announced, her eyes wide and arms up in the air like we had committed a crime.

"We have Patrick to take care of," I reminded her, sipping my water. She sighed dramatically.

"Bella, come on, just treat you and your husband to this for _one night. _I can handle Daniel and Patrick... They're not troublemakers when they're together."  
I almost spewed my water over the table. "Are you serious?! They're absolute evil geniuses when they're together!"

Emily clasped her hands together and spoke to me as if I was a child.

"I can handle them, Bella. You and Jacob and going to go out and have a date and _then _you're going to _express _how much you love each other."  
Water spew alert. This time it actually hit Emily in the face.

"Jesus, Emily! Are you going to tell us which position we'll do it in, too?"  
She shrugged. "If you prefer."  
I nearly flipped my chair over after she said that.  
"I have decided! When you both get home from work tonight, I'll have an appropriate romantic dinner set out for you. Ah, ah, ah, no buts, young lady." she wagged her finger at me.

I sighed and rested my forehead on the wooden table.  
"Whatever."

I was jittery the entire day after that. The prospect of a dinner date was an attractive thought, but Jacob and I hadn't _done _anything like that before. I would probably just embarrass myself.

Our version of a 'date' was sitting in the garage, sipping sodas and talking, not getting all dolled up and eating something that wasn't microwaveable. I liked 'our' version of a date rather than Emily's, but we hadn't actually done it before, so what could it hurt?

When I got home from work, Emily wrenched me upstairs and forced me to try on some outfit that I didn't even get a second glance at. Emily pushed me down the stairs and ran out of the house with a confused Patrick being tugged along. I almost laughed, but it came out as a sort of nervous giggle.

I looked around and spotted a sign wrote in black Sharpie marker.

Oh, Emily, you're silly.

'TO THE KITCHEN!'

I slowly turned the corner and stepped carefully over the roses that Emily had spread on the floor.

"Woah, Bells," Jacob said, grabbing my attention. I looked up at him and swallowed hard. He was wearing black dress pants, black socks, and a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. It was so formal for Jacob yet so _Jacob _at the same time.  
"You like nice," we said at the exact same time. Cue obnoxious blush.

Sighing, we both sat down at the table situated in the middle of the room. Jacob took the wine bottle on the table and poured some into our glasses.  
"Can you believe that Emily did all this for us?" I asked, sipping at my drink. Jacob chuckled. "She can do whatever she sets her mind to.."  
We lapsed into silence.

Why did I feel so awkward around my _husband? _This was so weird!  
The stove dinged loudly, causing us both to jump a foot into the air. Jacob jumped to his feet and pulled out the chicken that looked good, but I doubt that I could eat it. I was so nervous that it wasn't even funny.

Jake placed small portions onto both of our plates and sat back down. Apparently he was as nervous as I was.

We ate in uncomfortable silence until Jacob finally said, "Do you want to take this into the garage?"  
"Yeah!" I said a little too eagerly. We both stood, grabbed our plates and drinks and situated our little party in the garage. Almost immediately, the mood changed and we were joking like normal.

But my clumsiness made an appearance, and red wine spilled all over Jacob's white shirt.

"Damn," I cursed, "Sorry honey."  
He laughed. "That's fine. It's Quil's shirt, anyways." And with that, he unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his rippling muscles.

Oh fuck, this was not going to end well.

Jacob set the shirt down on the hood of the Rabbit and settled down beside me. "It's kind of humid in here, Bells. Why don't you take that blouse off?"  
I blushed, but nonetheless took off my blouse so I was just left in my black undershirt.

"This date is kinda overrated," Jake mused, smiling lazily.

"Yeah... What was Emily thinking when she made us sit down at the table instead of having a date in the garage?" I said.

"Mhm."  
Summoning up my courage, I added, "You know what else she said to me?"  
"Hm?"  
"She said that after this she wanted us to 'express our love.' Silly... E-Emily."  
Jacob grinned. "Oh, she said that, didn't she?"  
I nodded.

"Well, we've already ruined this date, so it would be in our best interest if we filled out her last request of the night..." he let the sentence trail off as he looked at me with an all new hunger.

Physical desire overpowered everything. We hadn't had a good... 'round' in at least four weeks, so we were starved for skin-to-skin contact.  
In a matter of seconds, my undershirt was off and I was completely naked from the waist up. (Emily had told me that "A bra would get in the way of your later activities.")

To any outsider, it would appear that we were attached by the lips.

Jacob rested his hands on my hips as our tongues battled each other. My hands were roaming all over his overheated chest. He pulled me impossibly closer and pulled his lips away.  
He fumbled with my skirt till it was halfway down my legs. I kicked it off. Jacob then smiled and hooked his thumbs on my panties. Without a moment's pause, he had my undergarment off and on the floor.  
My hands tugged at his pants and he assisted me in pulling them off.

Holy shit, he wasn't wearing boxers!

We wasted no time in connecting. It felt so good when he was inside of me. We just hugged for a long while before Jacob whispered, "I'm going to fuck you so hard that you won't be able to walk tomorrow."  
Grinning, I asked, "You're so confident of yourself?"  
"Just watch me, babe."  
Jacob pulled out and then speared into me all the way. I let out an odd growl as he began to start up a rhythm.  
"God, Bells, you're so tight," Jacob groaned. My fingers found their way into his hair and tugged relentlessly.

Every thrust was making more stars appear in my vision. Good going, Mr. Black!  
Finally, after a fabulous fuck, we orgasmed together and then continued to make love till the wee hours of the morning.

When I woke up the next morning, I was snuggled up into Jacob's arms any my legs hurt so badly that I didn't even want to move.

"Hello?!" I heard Emily shout. I looked down. Jacob must have gotten us a blanket sometime during the night, because we were both wrapped up head-to-toe in fabric.

Emily cracked open the door to the garage and poked her head in, smiling like a mad-woman.

"Success!" she exclaimed.


	6. The Fight

"Raptor Jesus."  
"Chuck Norris."  
"Raptor Jesus!"  
"No, Chuck Norris!"  
"Raptor Jesus! He would win!"  
"No way."  
I slumped down in my seat, trying to ignore Embry and Quil's delirious conversation.

"Okay, fuck this, LEEROY JENKINS WOULD WIN!" I shouted.

They both turned to me, disbelieving eyes wide, and started to throw word vomit at me, but I jumped up and dashed out of the room.  
I laughed and stuck my hands in my jeans pockets as I walked out of my garage and into the autumn leaves. I continued to walk until I saw Embry's son Carter shouting at Quil's son (Ironically, he didn't wait up for Claire, who was currently in fifth grade. Instead, he married Leah, who was a lot nicer now.) Quil Jr.

"The black power ranger."  
"The red power ranger."  
"The black one!"  
"No, the red one!"  
"The black one would win!"  
"No way."  
Patrick, who looked bored, got up and yelled, "This is dumb, the blue one would win!" And promptly stomped away.

He saddled up beside me, hands shoved in his pockets like me, and we continued to walk.

"Idiots." we both grumbled.


	7. The Supermarket Disaster

"Okay, let's go over what we have," I said, glancing at my son. He nodded, staring at the notepad in his small hands.

"Milk?"  
"Check."  
"Eggs?"  
"Check."  
"Chocolate chip cookies?"  
"Check."  
"Shampoo?"  
"Check."  
"Mommy's ladies stuff?"  
"Check."  
"Mechanical pencils?"  
"Check."  
"Bisquik?"  
"Check."  
"Universal remote?"  
"Check."  
"Teeth cleaner thingies?"  
"Check."  
"Footies?"  
"Check."  
"Porkchops?"  
"Check."  
"Okay, let's roll!"  
Patrick and I jumped in my truck and drove down to the supermarket. Upon entering, we were greeted with the fake smiles of workers. We snagged a cart and began bumbling down the isles, looking exactly like what we were: a father and son who were clueless when it came to doing Bella's chores for one day.  
"Dad," Patrick said.  
"What?"  
"I found the shampoo, but I don't know which kind to get."  
I looked over at the very small section of hair-care products. We were looking for dandruff shampoo because I had a pretty bad case of it. Three brands caught my eyes.

"Head and Shoulders, Selsun Blue, or the generic supermarket brand?" I asked my son. He shrugged. Sighing, I flagged down a worker and pointed to the bottles.  
"What do you suggest?"  
The teenager, who had a terrible case of acne and was pretty short for a guy, mumbled out through his braces, "I'd get Head and Shoulders."  
I looked at his name tag. Brett.

"Is that stuff good?"  
He nodded. "Yeah, I use it a lot."  
"But it's more expensive than the generic stuff..."  
"Hey, I don't know dude, it's just shampoo."  
"I'm on a budget,"  
"Then get the generic."  
"But Selsun Blue looks like it'd work well and it's two dollars more---"  
"If you like it, then get it!"  
"But it's two dollars---"  
"Okay, dude, Head and Shoulders works fine. The generic crap is the same as Head and Shoulders, we just repackaged it. The Selsun Blue doesn't smell as good as the Head and Shoulders but works better. Which do you want?"  
I glared at the bottles for a while. Brett sighed dramatically and began to walk away, but I put my hand on his shoulder and turned him around.  
"But---"  
"Hey, buddy, don't touch me!"  
"I'm sorry, I just---"  
"You're not allowed to touch the employees, man. Get outta here!" He pointed to the door. Sighing, I grasped Patrick's hand and pulled him out of the store, into the truck, and we drove home.

Two hours later, Bella got home and set her keys and stuff on the counter of the kitchen.

"Hey, I heard you got kicked out of the supermarket for assault on an employee..."  
"Bella?" I fumed.

"Yeah?" she grinned.

"Shut up."  
She laughed, and with one last glance, threw a bottle of Head and Shoulders at me.  
"For your dandruff problems."


	8. The Shoe Size

"Sir, what size shoe do you wear?" the clerk asked Jacob, who looked to me. Really, was I supposed to know his shoe size? Who am I kidding, of course I knew it.

"Fifteen," I supplied, leaning up against the wall. The man didn't seem convinced but went to go look in the back for the size.

"Bells," Jacob nudged me, "You know that a man's shoe size signifies his... _mhm _size too?"  
I looked around, hoping to God that Patrick hadn't heard that.

"Really, Jacob? In the mall of all places? And with your son just around the other isle with your mother-in-law?"  
Jacob nodded animatedly. "They can't hear us, y'know."  
"Still, you just don't go talking about your p---"  
"Hello!" the clerk announced, turning the corner with a box of size fifteen shoes. He placed them in front of Jacob and stood back, beaming.  
Jacob, smirking slyly, pulled the shoes on. "They say that shoes signify the man."

The clerk nodded gleefully. Was he high?

"Size, too," he added. I almost face-palmed right there. He really had no idea what Jacob was pertaining to!  
"Yes, size," Jacob chuckled, "does add on to it."  
I was starting to turn red in embarrassment. He wasn't actually doing this, was he?  
"The bigger they are, the more of a man you are," he continued relentlessly.

"Oh, I wouldn't think so," the clerk argued, "just because someone has a smaller size doesn't make them any less of a man."  
Jacob was grinning like a fool now. "But you just said size signifies the man."  
The clerk shook his head. "I'm supposed to agree with the customer, sir," he reminded my husband.

"Anyways, how do those fit?"

"They're _big,_ but they fit nice."  
I was crimson by now.

"Ma'am?" the clerk asked, "are you all right? You look hot and wet. Do you need a towel?"  
Jacob started to guffaw, but tried to hide his face with his shirt.

"I'm fine," I assured him, but stared down at my feet as I said it.

"These are good. I'll take them."  
The clerk smiled brightly and walked over to the counter, Jacob following him. He paid for the shoes and decided to wear them out. I placed his old shoes in the box and closed it shut.  
"Mommy?" Patrick asked, now beside me.  
"Yes?" I looked down at him.

"If shoe size sig-nuh-somethin' the man, what size are you?"  
Jacob's laugh could be heard for miles.


	9. The Shower

I breathed a sigh of relief as I stepped into the hot water of the shower. Today had been a hard day, mostly because that little German Shepherd Patrick received (and cleverly named Black because of his all-over dark coat, though Bella and I didn't want to burst his bubble and tell him that his name would be Black Black) was driving my crazy. While Patrick and Bella was at work, I got stuck taking care of him because it was my day off from the shop.

Hopefully, that little bugger wouldn't try to escape his cage like he did earlier...

I was in the shower for a good ten minutes when there was a scratching at the door. I decided not to leave the door closed so I could hear if Black was doing anything, but that turned out to be a bad idea when the large puppy hauled ass into the shower and started biting at my legs.

"Fuck, Black, stop!" I howled, slipping and sliding around in the shower, hands scrabbling on the tile for grip. Sharp little canines pricked all over my legs as Black continued his little tirade.

"Get off!"  
The water shot right into my open eyes and my hands came up to cover my eyes instinctively, though I fell down in the process. I hit hard on the ground and tried pushing Black away while still covering my burning eyes.

"Jacob!" Emily called, shutting the door. Oh, shit!  
"In here, but don't---Black, stop!"  
"Are you okay?"  
"Fine, fine!"  
I did a little flip and groped for the door, but the little pup continued to gleefully nip at me, knowing that he could get away with it because he was just a little baby and that I knew that you couldn't physically teach dogs a lesson till they were at least five months old.  
"Don't come down the hallway!" I shouted, pulling my slippery body towards the door.

"I have to, Jacob, Bella just called me---"  
"Don't listen to her! She lied!" I shrieked desperately.

Emily laughed and continued to walk over till she pushed the door all the way open. She blinked.

Dog attacking Jacob.

Jacob naked.

"Why didn't you tell me you were stark naked?" Emily pondered.  
"Get the dog off," I snapped angrily, "He's biting me like crazy."  
Emily put her purse on the end table and knelt to grasp Black's now soaked body. He jumped away from her hands and ran out the door. Emily turned and spun, chasing after him as I yanked myself to my feet and ran after him. (I wished that I had grabbed a towel, but I didn't think of it at the time)  
Appendages flailing, I leaped over the coffee table and threw out a hand to get Black's tail but he wiggled away and ran through Emily's legs and out the front door, which was left open in Emily's haste.

"Get him!" We shouted at each other.

I let out an exasperated grunt and dashed out the door, following the trail of water that was visible on the red, orange, and yellow leaves.  
With a sheepish plea, I begged that no one was around to see a naked man chase after a puppy in broad daylight.

I heard Emily hustling after me as we chased the dog. He took an abrupt left turn and into the backyard. I followed.

Finally, he stopped suddenly and seemed to give me a puppy-ish grin. There, behind me, stood my wife, eyes wide and unblinking.

"You're early!" Emily exclaimed in a nervous, high-pitched voice.  
"What the fuck is going on?" Bella demanded, staring at me, the dog, and then back at Emily.

"This better not be some fucked up werewolf-human-dog threesome," she deadpanned.

Emily and I gaped at her just as Black decided to jump at her. She fell to the ground, the wiggling little dog licking her excitedly. I threw myself on top of her to get the dog off, but I guess that was a bad idea when---

"Get off, Jacob! This looks really bad!"  
Emily got down on her knees and tried pulling Black out from under me, but she only managed to push me off of Bella and on the cold ground. Leaves pricked my back uncomfortably.

"I've got him!" Emily said, holding the struggling Black in her hands and grinning. I sighed in relief and pulled Bella up with me. I brushed the leaves off her and smirked.

"Woo, that was close. See, I was in the shower and I left the door open so I could keep an eye on Black and then he jumped in the shower and was biting me and Emily came to tell me that you were coming home early and then Black got out---"  
"Any more 'ands'?" Bella asked, one brow raising.  
We all started laughing, but then stopped when a large, yellow bus came down the road. It stopped in front of our house and Patrick got out.

The kids' faces were plastered to the windows, their breath fogging up the glass.

"Hey, Patrick, is that your dad?"  
"No!"

_Bwahaha, this exact situation happened to my friend. (Not any of the dialogue, but I did come over to his house and chased after his dog outside. He was butt-naked when his little brother got off the bus!)  
Thank God that the bus driver didn't see my friend streaking out in the yard. (He jumped behind the shed that he has and I sort of did a "What? Nothing's going on back behind this shed!" look. Yeah, you know the look I'm talkin' about.)  
Lol. :D_

_-Tay  
_


	10. The Parents' Day Fiasco

I was jittery. It was parent day at Patrick's school, and I was up next. Since Bella had so graciously bowed out to be the one to present, I was put up to the job because of two undeniably cute faces.

"And now, Patrick's daddy will be telling us what he does," Patrick's teacher announced, smiling at the other children. Patrick, who was standing by my side, tugged on the bottom of my shirt, urging me on. My mouth felt dry.

It was so typical of me to get nervous in front of a bunch of six-year-olds.

"Well," I coughed, "I'm a mechanic. I work on cars."  
Patrick's eyebrows shot into his deep black hair, like he didn't believe what I had said.

"Daddy, you told me you're a were---"  
I shushed him loudly, getting all of the parents' attention. My stomach dropped like lead as they all began whispering conspiratorially.

"A what, Patrick?" his teacher urged, smiling warmly at my son.

"Were---"  
I slapped my hand over his mouth gently and gave the woman a cheeky smile.

"Were---kers compensation, he means."  
She nodded, though albeit skeptically.

"How do you fix the cars?" a little girl in the front row asked, gazing up at me with wide eyes. Her glasses magnified her eyes, poor girl.

"With tools," I told her, "I open up the front and fix the thing that makes the car go."  
Bella let out a snicker. I shot her a glare, but she just turned away, leaning against the wall, shoulders shaking.

"Ma'am, what's funny?" the teacher asked, looking at my wife. Bella narrowed her eyes as if to snap back, but I pulled her to my side and ruffled her hair.

"This is my wife. What do _you _do, Bella?"  
Bella pondered this for a moment, before she knelt and whispered something in Patrick's ear.  
"My mom's a dog catcher!" he gleefully exclaimed, smiling up at me. Bella stood up and pinched my forearm, smiling all the while.

"A dog catcher?" a boy asked.  
"Yes, I catch... really big puppies," she resolved.

"Like were---" Patrick began, but I tripped him. He hit the floor, looking dazed.

"Did you just trip your own son?" the teacher demanded.

"No. He fell."  
"I saw your leg," a man pointed out, "you decked him."  
Bella was grinning at me now. I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Lies." I announced.

"I saw you!" he insisted.

"Sir, why were you looking at my husband's legs?" Bella wondered, "I hope your wife knows what you do to pass the time."  
I guffawed at the man, whose face was red as he spluttered something to his wife.

"Next!" the teacher fumed.. Laughing, I pulled Patrick into my arms and rested my hand on the small of Bella's back as we retreated to the back of the room, in the corner.

"That went well."


	11. The Expired Ban

_Anyone following my other fics, they'll all be updated sometime this week, I think. I broke my ankle and been busy with a new story, so spare me your complaints. Please. :)  
Tried my best with "humor" here. I'm not that funny (unless awkward situations count as funny...), so don't tease me. :(_

"Congratulations, Mr. Black, your thirty day ban from the supermarket is up!" Bella laughed, ruffling my hair and grinning alongside Patrick.

"Laugh it up, Bella, laugh it up, but I'll get my revenge, I swear." I vowed, chomping on a piece of toast.

"That's really disgusting, you know," Bella told me, wincing at my open-mouth chewing.

"No one said you had to look," I reminded her, smiling widely, probably too widely.

She shrugged, looking down at her work schedule. "Can you do me a favor, Jacob?"

I felt my brows raise and tilted my head to the side. "If it's within reason..."  
"Can you go to the store and pick some stuff up for me?"

Patrick let out a loud laugh and choked on his food. Bella clapped him on the back without looking up from her paper, silencing his racking coughs, but he still laughed uproariously.

"What do I need to get?" I grumbled, narrowing my eyes at my innocent-looking wife. She smirked deviously at me before standing up and scribbling some stuff down on a post-it. She slapped it down in front of me, that damn smirk still there. Swallowing my food, I glanced down, squinting.

"What in the love of God is this supposed to say?" I demanded, unable to read her penmanship.  
"Pat, can you read this?"

Patrick leaned over the table, mouthing the words to himself. "La---" he began, but Bella silenced him.

"Why don't you wait till you get to the store to tell Daddy what it says?" Bella suggested, her smirk turning into a full-blown grin. I ground my teeth together nervously. What the hell was she plotting?

"'k," Patrick conceded, finishing his cereal and putting the bowl in the sink. He tugged his shoes on and waited impatiently for me to finish.

I got up and put my plate in the sink. "Why aren't you going out, anyways?"

"Emily wanted to meet up with me about something," she replied simply, kissing my cheek and doing the same for Pat. "I'll see you in an hour or so."

Once she left, I washed up and tied up my sneakers. Pat and I hopped in the truck that was parked in the driveway and we went bumbling down the road. Once we arrived at the store, I scowled at the poster of myself up on the bulletin board - "Be wary of local man".

The clerks gave me weird looks as we trekked through the supermarket, perhaps thinking I was going to assault someone else.

"Now Pat, tell me what the note says."

"Lady products." he frowned, looking up at me through his long lashes, obviously wondering why my jaw had suddenly went slack and my eyes bugged out. I heaved dramatically and slapped my hand to my forehead.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, she did _not,_" I hissed almost silently.  
My profanities ceased when a familiar face entered the store, looking on edge and sweaty. Huh... Sam never looked like that before. I wondered what was wrong...

Wait... Emily didn't---

"Jake!" Sam sighed in relief, resting one of his hands on top of Daniel's head. "You won't believe what Emily's asked me to do."

"Lady products?" I sympathized. He nodded.

"How the hell are we supposed to know what to get?" he whispered, his eyes darting down to the two boys talking about some toy they wanted.

"Why don't we make this a team effort, eh? The two of us can sort this out. We're smart enough."  
Sam bobbed his head up and down, agreeing with me. Nervously, we all walked towards the "woman" section of the store. I gulped.

"Holy _shit _that's a lot of haircare spray," Sam announced in awe. I nodded, dumbstruck.

"That's not what we need," I awkwardly reminded him, "it's around this isle... along the wall."

We rounded the corner, only to stop dead in our tracks.

_Rows _upon _rows _of different kind of... supplies jumped out at us. I couldn't help but feel a little bit intimidated by the colored packaging their brand names. How were we supposed to do this? We were men, for Christ's sake!

"Did Emily give you any hints?" I whimpered, shying away from an"Ultra-Absorbent" package. Sam shook his head ferociously.

"No! Of course she didn't! She and Bella plotted this whole dang (he only _just _stopped himself from saying "damn", so it came out as "daymg") thing!"

I put my hands on his shoulders and stared down into his eyes.

"Get a grip, Uley! We can do this! We are capable of buying pads or tampons or whatever the heck a pantiliner is!"

"You forgot wipes." he added.

"Shut up and listen to me, dang it! We used to be frickin' wolves, man, I think we can handle buying feminine products!"

He got a determined look in his eye before scouring the various rows.

"Maxi Pad?" he called, scratching his chin and staring at the thing.

"Can we get a clerk?" I wondered. He ran down the isle and appeared with a familiar-looking person on his tail. Wait! Shit, it was Brett!

"Sir, what's the pro---" he stopped cold and stared at me, his eyes wide and his mouth open. I was about to comment on DSL, but Sam beat me to speaking.

"What's the difference between a Maxi Pad and a pantiliner?" he inquired, gesturing helplessly at the bags.

Brett swallowed visibly and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "A pantiliner is like a sanitary napkin, I guess. Thinner than a pad."

He looked ashamed to know that. Poor guy had to take inventory and know the products customers asked him about. I felt for him, but I remembered what a douche he had been earlier and disregarded it. "Is there a regular kind?" I piped up. How the hell was _I _supposed to know how much Bella bled... Fuck, no way, man, no fuckin' way.

Brett pointed to a different style package which had "regular" in bold, white print. It was next to the "overnight" row, and also the "ultra-thin" row.

"What about tampons?" Sam asked, pinching the bridge of his nose helplessly. Brett jerked his thumb to rows of things to my far left, which was bordering on make-up products. I stared, wide-eyed, at the boxes. They had fucking _measurements on them!_ 6 grams? Why were there water droplets on the box?What? How in God's name was I supposed to know how much she leaked in all?

"Daddy, Daddy, look what me and Danny found!" Pat shouted, rounding the bend and holding up a box. How I had I not noticed him leave? _Bad parenting, bad, bad parenting, Jacob!_

I nearly choked on my spit when Pat placed his findings in my outstretched hands. C-c-condom...

"It says condam," Danny said, mispronouncing the word. "What's a condam?"

Sam, peaking over my shoulder, let out a uncharacteristic squeal and pulled Danny away.

"I've gotta go, Jake! Emily can do this shit later!"

Closing my mouth, I delicately put the condom on the nearest row and stiffly ambled out of the store, to the truck, and back to the house.

Patrick was yammering at me when I finally got the stupid door open, but immediately stopped and rushed over to Bella's side.

"Have fun?" she cooed, sticking her tongue out at me.

I started in on my tirade, but Patrick spoke up first.

"Mommy, what's a condam?"

_Anyone else thinking of gundams now? Just me? Okay._


	12. The Drunken Chat

"Just a shot in the dark, but do you want _car parts _by chance?" Sam demanded, his face holding a faint redness as he continued to drink his weird, I-can't-remember-the-strange-name-he-gave-it alcoholic beverage. I shrugged.

"Ya know what I want? Ya know? I want _that_!" I slurred, pointing to the current image on the TV screen. Sam swiveled around and stared at the TV for a second before smiling at me.

"No, you d-don't want that. That's the uh... uh... the thing that girls use on their..." The rest was a garbled mess. I couldn't even figure it out.

"Huh?" I asked. "Not only girls use that. I've used it before."

Sam's eyes grew wide. "No way!" he shouted, his inebriated state ignoring all of my attempts at "inside-voice" usage.

"Yeah way." I replied, stumbling over to the fridge to get a new drink. The one in my hand sloshed around, but I didn't care. I wanted a new one, and by God would I have it!

"I use it two times a week..." I continued, taking a swig. "Usually after I take a shower."

"You take a shower two times a week?!" Sam shrieked. I shook my head quickly.

"No, but two times when I take a shower in a week, I use that."

"Why?" he inquired, gulping down his shot and grimacing when he felt the burn of it.

"'cause I don't want them to grow out! That's nasty! Do you let yours?"

"I forget to use it on them."

"Ew." I announced, floundering over to the table and falling into my chair.

Bella traipsed down the stairs, hair disheveled and eyes accusatory.

"Will you two be quiet? Some people are trying to _sleep_!"

"We were just talkin' 'bout Jacob using... that." He pointed to the frozen image on the screen. I hadn't noticed him pause the TV.

Bella raised a brow. "Doesn't everyone?"

"Only girls!" Sam retorted.

"No... Guys use that too."

"But they're... they're clippers!" he bawled.

"They're _nail _clippers, Sam. They're used for your fingernails, _not _what you're thinking of."

_Don't ask. :(_

_Anyways, though all my other stories are on hiatus, this will still be updated. I just get inspiration from funny stuff that happens in my life and make it into a chapter. So, this will continue unlike everything else.  
-Tay_


	13. Oh God, I Shot My Eye Out

Teehee.

It's been almost a year since I've touched this fic. I considered updating on its anniversary, but decided that since I'm bored and tripping on Slats Slats Slats, I'd humor myself.

Woe. Where has time gone? Slipped away with the virgin wind. Oh, woe!

That was me attempting to be funny. Yeah, I'm still not. Illegal narcotics can't even fix me. Damn.

But really, this year has gone fast. Another year gone by equals another year closer to death.

Success.

A bit bleak. My history teacher is under the impression that I'm so terribly withdrawn and I'll soon commit suicide. That would make you all happy, right? I'm glad I can help the community.

Oh, loves. Hope your most recent 365 days (Yes, I'm quite aware that it is, in fact, not 2011. Or, fuck, is it not?) have been most delicious for you. I will now depart.

Stay stupid; I wouldn't love you any other way.

Murreh Chreestmass (Happy Holidays is _so _anti-Jeebus)

-Taylor


	14. The Spoilsport

Hello there.

It's been a while and I've (unfortunately) gotten over my outright dislike of Twilight to an extent. I've been eager to write lately, which is strange. I'm tempted to post a prologue of sorts to these drabbles, so if you'd like to read that let me know.

I couldn't tell you this fic's timeline. So let's stay blissfully ignorant.

Off you go then.

* * *

It was stifling.

Jacob's abnormal wolfish traits had long since faded, so it wasn't as if he was susceptible to anything out of the ordinary, but _Christ was it hot_.

He huffed, wiping his forehead with his arm. His hair was soaked with sweat and dripped into his eyes.

And to think he was slaving away out of the kindness of his heart! No one appreciated what he did around here.

Well, Bella did appreciate what he did... and Patrick was too young to know any better...

Fuck, he was going to pass out soon.

He figured that meant it was time to head inside.

Hauling himself to his feet was an effort in itself. The steps leading back into the house mocked him as he hung onto the railing. Taking off his sneakers without physically bending down made him feel like a complete moron. He leaned heavily against the wall while he struggled to press down on the heel of his left shoe with his right. After a dramatic performance he'd managed to take both his shoes off and slink toward the couch – _the cool, leather couch_. He endeavored to take off his socks before he collapsed onto the couch, but ended up jumping around like a fool before slamming onto the cushions. His eyes closed immediately. He was sticky with sweat and he hadn't ever felt this tired before. Mere seconds after he shut his eyes he was dozing. He heard everything that went on around him but couldn't bring himself to open his eyes.

He must have laid there for several minutes before he felt it.

Cold plastic tires, a slightly warm metal frame, maybe a bit damp as well. He heard a slight hum coming from a high pitched voice, and he assumed the voice was trying to copy a rumble. The tires roamed up and down his legs, sometimes catching his leg hair, making him curse quietly.

More voices. Midget ones.

"Pat!" Daniel exclaimed loudly, then noticing Jacob, "Pat," he said, much quieter, "what're you doin'?"

The younger boy shrugged. "Iono."

"Come on, it's not raining! Everyone's outside!"

Jacob had to admire the kid for being able to express his excitement so noiselessly.

"Dad's not out there."

Daniel scoffed. "So what?"

Patrick's eyes continued to follow the Hot Wheels car. "So I don't wanna play."

"But... he's sleeping," Daniel's voice faltered. "Don't you wanna ride bikes or something? It's boring inside."

"No it's not."

Jacob smiled into the cushion his face was smashed so elegantly into. His boy really wanted to stay with him. An oddity, that, since the rain was strangely absent. However, Jacob didn't want Patrick staying inside all day. Not on a beautiful day like this.

Sighing, he rolled himself over, much to the surprise of the two kids.

"Okay, it's too nice of a day to stay inside. You two go play; I'll be out there soon."

The words mentally scarred him. He'd just escaped the unforgiving heat and he was now willingly walking back into it. He watched the boys scamper out the back door and slouched over to the kitchen, reaching for the dishtowel hanging on the stove. He brought it to his clammy face and dried off the sweat.

He stared at the towel intently before hanging it back on the stove.

He turned on his heel and walked outside. In an instant he missed the comfort of the air conditioning from inside the house, but he ignored it and put on a smile for his son. Bella looked up at him curiously from her lawn chair, noting his pained expression. But he trudged on after Patrick, smiling (if a bit tightly) at him fondly as he chased Daniel playfully.

She looked down at the dog perched at her feet. Emily leaned over and patted Black's head.

"He's going to die if he doesn't get that bloodhound over there." the older woman said loftily. Bella's eyes drifted to the dog in question. The poor thing was panting forcibly.

"How do you figure?" she asked Emily.

"Well, take a look at his tally wacker and tell me he isn't in knots."

"Oh, Emily." Bella laughed.

"I'm serious!" Emily insisted. "Look at thing."

Bella slowly brought a hand to her face shook her head. "You're the most disgusting individual I've ever met. You even try to be innocent about it!"

Emily folded her arms over her chest. "Someone has to be."

Bella looked scandalized. "No, someone does _not _have to be!"

"Yes, yes, someone has to be. Think about it logically, Bella. The boys are all outrageously crude by themselves, but _us_, _the women_, don't have any comic relief! We need some humor in our lives!"

Bella rolled her eyes. "We are all fairly amused by your daily behavior, Emily. You have it covered, so don't bring in your gross commentary."

Emily flailed her arms in disapproval, knocking lemonade onto her blouse and face. "See, humor! Look, I'm covered in lemonade! Laugh, dammit!"

"Emily! I'll go get a towel..."

"No, let me ferment in it."

"I'm getting you a towel."

Bella stood and walked inside, picking up the dishtowel from the stove. She retreated back outside and held the towel up for Emily patiently.

"Take it."

"I told you I wanted to ferment!"

"Take the towel."

"Spoilsport."

Grudgingly, Emily took the towel from Bella's hands and began to dry off her face.

"Hmm... now _that's _certainly an interesting taste..."

"You licked the towel?"


End file.
